Hockey: How fucking cool is it?

 

For years I have passed by hockey games on TV. Until now. Today I saw a hockey highlight reel online and really liked it. Watching some cromagnum man pummel some dude into the boards for the first time is better than spitting your first lugger off the top of a building. That’s pretty fucking cool in my book. Hockey is cooler than shooting a potato gun for the first time. It’s even cooler then the feeling you get after getting an A on an exam after spending twenty minutes preparing to cheat for it.

I only have one problem with hockey: the fucking rules. There are so many fucking rules it drives me crazy. Nazi Germany had fewer rules for the Jews. As a matter of fact I will use my power as the coolest fucking stud to ever walk the planet to rename the sport. Hockey will now be called: FUCKIN HAWKEY. And yes it will always be spelled in caps. FUCKIN HAWKEY is capitalized because it is an acronym. What it stands for I haven’t worked that out yet so just settle the fuck down and call it FUCKIN HAWKEY anyway.

New Rules:

1. No such thing as offsides. Feel free to smack the puck anywhere and to who ever the fuck you want.

2. High Sticking is a myth.

3. Cross Checking. It is encouraged. Players are encouraged to placate the deletion of this rule by adding spikes and razor blades to the side of their sticks.

4. Fighting. BANNED! Players are no longer allowed to fight. If two players feel the need to fight they can do it on their own fucking time. Watching two dudes trying to duke it out on ice skates is kind of boring due to their shitty balance and limited fighting moves. Instead, fighting will be replaced with a no rules, non officiated, battle royal extravaganza. Both teams will line up on their goals and charge each other like a medieval battle. No pads and no masks allowed. Players can use any weapons of their choosing. Face-offs will be handled the same way.

5. Goal tending. Goalies will now be equipped with flame throwers.

Now that the game is re-engineered I need to pick a team to root for. Through out the history of sports citizens of a city would cheer for their local team. Maybe it’s a matter of hometown pride or the consistency of always having the team there to admire from a distance or maybe people are just fucking stupid and root for whoever the local media and corporate douche bags tell them too. All that I am trying to say is that I am undecided who to root for in the NFHL.