There have been a lot of questions…

There have been a lot of questions about the seriousness, velocity, depth, and aquisistion of my coolness the past two days. Well my minons, I will answer your questions in the order recieved in yet another cool fucking update.

Question 1.

How did you become so fucking cool bro? - Chet. Sajha, Illinois

Dumb question, but what could I have expected from a guy that calls everyone bro. The answer, Bro, is that I don’t call people by abbreviated sibling names. Also, I was lucky enough to just be born cool. Not to brag but I was the motivation behind the song “Bad to the Bone” by the great George Thorogood. On my birthday, the song was written and titled “Born to be Cool”, but after careful consideration and several discussions with me, George changed the song’s title to what we know and love today. Something about lyrical flow or some shit, I don’t really remember how he convinced me to change it. After all I was only a few hours old.

Question 2.

Who has been a major influence on you in regards to your coolness? - George B. Washington, DC.

Well George, there comes a time when even the coolest mother fucker on the planet has to recognize the men also traveling on the path of coolness. Here are a few of the men that I have looked down on and recognized their amazing attempts to be as cool as me. Take note that I will be refering to everyone that is not as cool as me but, pretty fucking close to my coolness as “pretty fucking cool”.

Pretty fucking cool person number 1: Theodore “Don’t call me fuckin Teddy” Roosevelt

T.R. was a bad-ass mother fucker. He shot a bunch of people, took hills in Cuba, was awarded the Medal of Honor, and gave a speech right after being shot by some bitch bartender in fucking Milwaukee. He did all of that while maintaining a level of fucking coolness you will never obtain. The media called him Teddy and T.R. in a lot of headlines but he was also one of the original Rough Riders. That’s why it pisses me off to no end when I see some douche bag driving around Jacksonville, NC with “Rough Rydas” in big gay font on the back window of said douche bag’s car. To you Sir I say, “You are not fucking cool and go kill your parents and self immediately”. And I would add, “You’re a fucking loser with a fuckin McJob and a serious misconception of what is fucking cool. Get that bullshit off your car window and shave that molester moustache. Faggot.” Teddy would be proud.

Pretty fucking cool person number 2: Marlon Brando

Here is Brando straightening out some bitch after she gave him some lip.

First of all, all the fucking rumors about Brando being a homosexual are all bullshit. There isn’t anything wrong with being a queer, I’m just saying, Brando wasn’t a pipe cleaner. The cool son of a bitch was in a bunch of movies, pissed of politicians, and banged a lot of chicks (including Marilyn Monroe) resulting in ten kids. He was pretty fucking cool and occasionally emails me from his mansion in Tahiti.

Pretty fuckin cool person number 3: Val Kilmer

Val Kilmer is a special kind of cool. He is a true “pretty fuckin cool” success story. At one point Val was a huge douche bag, but now he is pretty fuckin cool. When he was in Top Gun it was obvious that he was NOT cool and something needed to be done about it. After the opening weekend of Top Gun and the full range of Val’s douche baggery was realized, I was flown into LA to rectify the situation. After several talks and several severe ass beatings, I convinced Val to be in better movies. As a result, his role as Doc Holiday in Tombstone can be accredited to my blood shedding tactic that I like to call “debagging.” This procedure removes all remnants of douche bag characteristics from a subject and can only be performed on select douche bags. After Tombstone came out, Val and I lost touch so I cannot take responsibility for Batman Forever. However, I am confident the Ice Man will redeem himself.

Question 3.

Would you be willing to sell your secrets to being cool in a tutorial or instructional video? Ted - Olean, NY

Ted, what the fuck is your problem? You obviously don’t understand that there is no way for any other human being to be as fucking cool as me. If I were to even joke about telling you one of my secrets to being so fucking cool your body would swell up like a floating corpse on an idle lake and explode. To prevent this from happening I have blocked your IP address from this site.